Date:	2007-08-30 00:25
Subject:	SHINEY
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	Counting Crows

I got a YARIS and it's Blue and SHINEY and it DOES NOT LEAK!!!!!!! I am so very excited.... I think I just squee'd myself!

Date:	2007-02-26 19:38
Subject:	I hate Dirty Mexicans that steal
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off
Music:	none

So my purse was stolen today. along with key information and my ipod. I really don't understand why people don't just get a fucking job! I work hard for my money, so should they. worse still: the cops had the guy and let him go because he changed clothes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Date:	2007-02-11 23:03
Subject:	blah
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy
Music:	law and order theme

I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate school. I hate doing my job while at home and off the clock. I hate showing up early for service calls that show up late. I hate doing my boss's job while at home and off the clock. I hate doing my job while carrying the weight of my subordinates and my boss because they are too lazy to do their jobs and let me do mine. I really need a fucking stiff drink!

yeah, the subject says it all

Date:	2006-11-14 16:20
Subject:	random update
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy
Music:	Dr. Gilbert's rambling monotone

SO i've been slowly going crazy again. I think it has something to do with fall. I always feel a little crazy in fall. Slightly as though i were breaking and slgihtly as though I were invinceable. I think i need a nap, or a stiff drink, or maybe soemthing better, something different, something more. Maybe I'm just waxing poetic because I have nothing better to do.

thank God for having a day off of work again.

Date:	2006-05-17 00:58
Subject:	Some nights i wish that i could sleep
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	None, But I think I might listen to some Counting Crows

Yay more crappy poetry (and no stupid emo jokes drinmonster!)


Killing Myself Slowly

There a over a million ways to hurt yourself,
Each more creative than the last.
I think that mine is more creative than most.

I kill myself with kindness,
He is so good to me;
So kind.
But in that kindness, is a secret.

He does not know when he hurts me,
He is too kind to realize that he has.
Yet he would touch me without passion,
Lust after me with out love,
Fuck me without preparation,
Force me to submit to abject humiliation,
As he breathes into my hair.

Does he realize that he hurts me?
That every day with him is just another way to kill myself?
Creative, aren’t I?

He circles his arms around me,
Touching me in ways so intimate
That I have never allowed another access to.
He strokes me, without kisses.
Forcing my body to react, but I desire more.
He never strokes his hands through my hair,
Trails his fingers over my face.

His kisses are for hello and goodbye,
Not for I love you, or
As a precursor to some greater pleasure.

I wish that he would kiss me,
Take me in his arms,
Hold me til the moment when I break,
But he will not.

I lay beside him and he cannot feel my tears.
He does not understand!
Is it so bad that I desire to be kissed before I am stroked?
Is it so bad that I desire passion along with sex?

I want him to make love to me,
Not fuck me…. And
He does not understand.

I wish that he would seduce me,
Make me feel loved before he takes me,
Suffer through the extra twenty minutes
Without feeling the need to fall asleep.

When I make love to him,
I always feel guilty.
As though I am taking something that is not mine.

I have to really work to get him to react,
All of my tenderness seems to be in vain.
I always want to lay with him afterwards,
But that never seems to happen.

So I am slowly killing myself with his kindness,
And the words we never say.
And the kisses that I never get,
And the romantic episodes that I so desire.

Is it so wrong of me to love him enough,
That I will knowingly kill myself slowly?
Simply to suffer the few moments in his arms when I do not feel used,
Or broken,
Or tainted,
Or lost?
Those few moments when I feel as though I am enough to make him happy?

Is it so wrong to kill myself with his kindness,
Which serves to replace his lack of ardor?

Is it so wrong to cry to myself in my darkened living room,
As he sleeps soundly in our bed
(That I rarely use for fear of upsetting him with my snores)

Is it so wrong to love him so much that his kindness becomes enough for me,
Through my weeping,
And my pain?

Is it so wrong to want to be held?
Is it so wrong?
Is it?
Is it?
Is it?
Is?

Date:	2006-04-17 10:30
Subject:	another reason why i am crazy
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	Tehe: Everclear

Being Polite

A remember a time when we were close,
Imparting to one another the deepest secrets of our souls,
Then Time moved swiftly (as she is wont to do)
And I have found that I rarely see you anymore.

We pass each other in the busy corridor one day,
We have a polite little chat then scurry on our separate ways.
You see, you are always coming,
and I am always leaving,
And polite little chats become
polite little nods, become
hesitant waves,

Until one day:
You pass by and I have nothing to say,
And I barely remark your presence at all,
And upon the same stair no less!
I turn in my guilt to remark the change,
And say at least a polite hello,
But in the moment it takes to turn around,
You have been swallowed by the nameless multitudes in the hall

And I realize with sadness the loss of yet another
friend to Time and Circumstance.
But perhaps:
Tomorrow I will see you on the stair,
Tripping over your shoes and combing
your fingers through your hair (it never would stay put!)
And I will remark your passing there,

As a friend ought.

Then again, maybe not…
As I am tired and desire to go home,
And I haven’t all day for little chats,
And you are required in class.

Who knew that we could grow up so fast?

Date:	2006-04-11 02:10
Subject:	I'm officially crazy
Security:	Public
Mood:	eerily cheerful
Music:	counting crows

Yeah, Instead of using my tax return for something worth while, I bought a 30gig video i-pod and the i-pod home stereo thingy....total after tax: 497 (I also bought easter stuffs and a $40 curtain rod!) The i-pod istelf was 298 and the home stereo thingy was another 98.... best splurge i've given into since my disney trip 3 years ago! tehe, i am downloading music right now :) isn't that exciting?!?

Date:	2006-03-10 02:01
Subject:	grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Security:	Public
Mood:	morose
Music:	the shins

That being stated: life is shit; I desperately need sleep; my job sucks; and my fiance is being a git! Did i mention that life sucks?

Date:	2006-01-17 22:14
Subject:	everything all at once
Security:	Public
Mood:	worn out
Music:	dash board confessionals

yeah, so class starts tomorrow (ungodly hour of the morning!), my great aunt mary dies on sunday night... I am utterly exahusted from the whole attempting to plan a wedding thing (which we have decided will wait til next year for the most obvious reason imaginable) and i jsut want to curl up under a rock

oh yes, spending time with the hellions that kahlil call's step children, I have decided that i never want kids and will happily forgo them to have a wonderful career!!! maybe i'll get a cat at a later date...jsut so steven has someone to tkae care of...

Date:	2005-11-21 12:58
Subject:	oh my aching sanity
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	none: brit lit class

now that my sanity has decided to leave me, I am left facing a paper due on my birthday and far more work than i would like... not to mention the fact that i must face not only my family on thanksgiving but my fiance's also... lucky bastard, he gets to work half the day and thus avoid my parents etc. So where was i? oh yes, missing sanity, dreading a particular class, dreading family time, needing sleep, and woke up alone (no idea where my honey disappeared to, but he certainly did not say goodbye.... damned prat) i think i need stiff drink.... or a long shag. or maybe just a full night's sleep....

Date:	2005-11-18 03:48
Subject:	I am such a dork, and i blame my best friend
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	random stuffs: currently a trach from shrek2 about sleep

ok, i have just returned home after seeing a midnight showing of HP4 (GOF) (well, i've been home for almost an hour, but i felt the need to write a paper more pressing than writing here) Beyond the fact that i cannot believe that i have now seen all hp movies (2 of which i attended a midnight viewing of) i have found that i actually like them... then my friend insists that i read some sort of fanfic and gets me hooked on that too (free lit that is not horribly dry, need i say more?)
so i am now officailly a sleep deprived dork who has another 7 pages to write before i go to sleep and must be at class and ready to go by 10 am (which means i must be up by 845).... oh the humiliation undergone in the name of friendship.... guess this is pay back for all ofthe random shit i've dragged her into over the years... (by the way, SNAPE was delicious!!!!!! *sigh*)

Date:	2005-11-15 11:52
Subject:	*yawn*
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy
Music:	none, teacher lecturing

I think that i should sleep more often... i finally managed an almost full night of sleep, and yet i feel exhausted. Something is definitely wrong if sleep makes me more tiredthan not sleeping.... stupid school/work.... i want a nap!

Date:	2005-11-14 13:31
Subject:	I Hate Being a FEMALE
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	brit lit professor that makes literaure sound like music

Dear God (which ever one of you is the true god, i figure just "god" will do for this rant)

Why did you create woman as a foul bleeding thing that is contrastingly weak while insufferably strong? How is it that men say we are the weaker sex, when they do not have this blasted pain once a month, or the fear that encapsulates a lack of this pain. Why is it that women are cursed in blood and men are cursed in seed, when a woman will naturally care and nurture because she wished to keep the pain for herself... and spare others... Despite my desire to curl around myself and protect what little dignity these monthly visits leave, i get up, i stand straight, and i face my day as though nothing has changed; as though i were not in such a state of revolting pain and slimy blood that I would rather not admit that the world exists or that i have responsibility. I would love to see any man gripped in such pain, still smiling as though the world were peachy, and secreting away his filth like so many wasted tears.
that being said, i will make myself a cup of mint tea, sigh one last time as i look at my cozy bed, and go about writing the paper that i have been dreading before going to work and pretending that everything is ok and i am ok to manage my employees (without anger or bias).... why won't my headstop buzzing, my stomach stop knotting and my eyes stay open, even though i would rather sleep right now.... I think i need a nap.

ok, rant complete.... now i'm just sulking and it is time to write my paper

Date:	2005-11-11 10:13
Subject:	yeah... that's not right
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky
Music:	gaggle of girls in literary criticism

HA! I currently have Overtime on last week, and yesteday I clocked out at Overtime for this week, and i still have a 7 hour shift to work today... unless i go in late, i will end this week somewhere around 53 ish hours... (assuming that i do not take a break or call my boss and say "please! I need sleep!") This is slightly sad condsidering that my boss was at 25 hours as of yesterday and will probably end the week sometime around 44 hours.... *yawn* my one hour of sleep last night does not help any. Nor my papers due (10 p) monday and (15 p) wednesday of next week. Nor my necessary involvement in classes that do not have any thing due next week (like my brit lit class which damn near garantees a quiz on the one day that i end up missing because of work or need for sleep, or even just bad luck such as tomato related illness) *yawn again* ok, since i am already hoplessly behind in this class (because i ended up having to work on Wed instead of attend class... oh the things i do to keep myself in college) I suppose i should actually pay attention instead of venting.... *sigh* why do ppl distract the prof. from actually teaching us any thing when *gasp* the prof is a generally good one? Class would be much better if personal lives would stay out of the class room.

Date:	2005-11-10 12:02
Subject:	I do so hate my fake smile
Security:	Public
Mood:	I wish i could be alseep
Music:	lecture on sex crimes...i'm in class

OK, so Jack-Ass actually did show up for work, and insisted on a heart to heart about our issues... which really just include him being irrational and me doing my job properly. So, to avoid me strangling him, he will be transfered to another store and i won't have to deal with him. On the bright side, I have several new hires, and i think that they will do well (cuz they met my standards instead of someone else's) YAY, so i am exhausted, excited, and sleep deprived, and will have nothing but trainees in tonights shift.... hmm, i think a general crashcourse 101 would be good.... my boss had better love my determination (then again, he will soon be my Bro. in law, so i think that's a given anyways))

*yawn* ok, time to start taking notes.... *sigh* sex crimes and the law has become cumbersome. (if only because people gp on rantings instead of actually discussing the topics at hand)

Date:	2005-11-09 12:06
Subject:	i hate morons
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off
Music:	angry german rock

Ok, lets briefly ignore several facts: 1) I have not had an off day at work since Halloween (and i still had classs that day until 6:00pm); 2) Having been a supervisor, the upper management has seen fit to give me most of their work;3) now that i am slightly upper management and the managers that tend to foist their work off on me have been transfered, I have all of my duties as the assistant PLUS all of the things that my store manager has not got around to because he has had off days; 4)I am required to hire about 5 more employees since the above transfered maangement are trying to take the employees that we have trained in our store (to "help out"
at the moment, but every one assumes that they will be transfered, and i say good riddance because they suck); 5) I have recently had to turn in one 30 page paper, take one exam that covered 57 case breifings, and several assorted quizes/presentations and minipapers (in the past week, i'm ignoring everything before that because then i will be too horribly depressed)

ignore all of that, and then imagine that you are a disgruntled employee who has been passed over for a promoption and chooses to hate the one person in a store that actually makes you *gasp* work, and you will have a situation like mine last night, and the night before that....I don't really care that certain memebrs of my staff hate my overpowering work ethics... things need to be done, I will ensure that they get done! what pisses me off is that this particualr employee had the gall to insult me repeatedly as a person (which he knows nothing of my actual personality because i keep it very separate from my work self) and then tell me that i never actually work, and he should have my job.... i don't much care the he hates me, but it pisses me off that his work performance has slipped. i've hated him from the get go, but i manage to treat him the same as everyone else. damn my corporate ideals, we are there to work, not have fun... if people would simply realize that, ther would be less issues, and i wouldn't feel bad (yes, i still have a soul and i do feel bad) for writing an employee up for calling me and another memeber of management bitches.

oh well, i am consoled by the fact that he will soon lose his job and be unaviable for hire through out the entire corporation... (tehe, if he calls in tonight, it will be his termination notice. and i am not-so-secretly-hoping that he does, even though that would make my night suck and make me short staffed, i'd rather have the pleaure of firing him than have to control my rage for another night....)

*glee-ful grin* Yes, I am evil.

Date:	2005-11-07 01:39
Subject:	GOOD/BAD news
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired/frustrated
Music:	Counting Crows; this desert life; 4 days/nights

ok, i am now a slightly higher ranker lower level grunt...
Which would seem to mean that thay may now work me like a dog and laugh at my paltry dollar raise.


having just worked 2-13 hour shifts in 2 days, i have decided that the only real perk i have is that i may now
fire all of the stupid people that i have wanted to fire for the past 3 months. YAY!!!!!!!!!

Date:	2005-10-26 10:11
Subject:	SOMEHOW
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy
Music:	I wish i had some

being somehow exhausted as well as energetic, I forge on through the day. I think i need some sleeping pills (or another blanket that my honey won't steal in the middle of the night). *yawn* time to actually pay attention in class :-(

Date:	2005-10-25 01:14
Subject:	ok... since i have nothing better to do
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank
Music:	dash board confessionals: as lovers go

lost somehow

when does memory become a dream?
i seem to recall some moment not too long ago,
it could be years for all i'd know.
I've buried myself in work and dreams,
with nothing but my memories to cover me.

when did i become so cynical?
i wasn't always this way.
there was a time when i laughed...

I've been told that my motives are impure,
and that i am a viscious bitch.
somehow this does not bother me.

that is kind of sad.

maybe i will give in...
in those random moments when some unidentified HE
requests that i run away with him.

some moments i almost consider it,
before reality returns,
and i hold you closer as you sleep.
knowing that tho you are insufferable,
you are insufferably MINE

it's funny, every HE that i have ran into has a face,
but only 3 have names.
what would freude have thought?